Saying, I love you isn’t sufficient. Like most things, verbalising is the third step. The second step is thought and the first, is observation. Soaking in what you are seeing, then thinking, then saying. All steps are crucial but the fourth is what makes the other person feel as though they are seen, heard and loved. That’s the entire point of connections. Showing love and appreciation, whatever that may mean. So, in trying times, you have an understanding that they care for you, and you, them. There’s a brilliant scene in the film, Closer (2004), where Natalie Portman’s character, Alice says,
“Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words.”
Said, in many different permutations, it is really real and suggests a notion stretching far beyond meaning. Both commanding and fragile in its remark, a display of extremely impactful cinema. At times, a singular sentence for me can make an entire film. That quote plays in my mind, especially the way it’s delivered. She’s asking her lover a question and already knows the answer. It’s so easy to connect to because I think, with love, most people don’t know how to do it. It should be incredibly easy to know how to love a person. You’re attracted to them, be it platonic or romantic, you ask yourself what you’re attracted to. If you truly listen, you’ll have a list of all the beautiful things a person enjoys. I’m not necessarily saying that love is easy, navigating is always dubious, largely when a connection is lacking in vulnerability, it leads to the inability of growth and inevitably, a breakdown of trust. Connections are particularly difficult to maintain when one does not know or understand themselves yet. This does not make them bad. It just gives you the decision to be around them or not. To be patient and to evolve with them. Apart from the obvious things, it’s challenging to identify a truly ‘bad’ person. A person who is not deserving of patience is a rarity. At times, you must be careful with your resources.
Platonic and romantic connections are frustrating because steps one and four aren’t enacted. Observational skills, linked with active participation are the centerpiece of relationships. It feels incredibly futile and quite stupid to comment on this. It should be a no-brainer, but it’s not. I don’t even see it as a lot of effort. Observing a person’s likes, dislikes, wants, needs, goals, inspirations past achievements and failures, wounds and strengths. You don’t have to be perfect or remember every single minute detail, just try and try and try and you’ll get the hang of it. It’s effort, like most things. The issue is, that some people do not want to put effort in but will take the givers energy anyway.
Why are we so ready to give our employer so much of us and then give less, for human connection? It may also be, that we are more so being raised to take, rather than give. Taking isn’t as nasty as it sounds, it’s the backbone of trust and reciprocation. We must push and pull with taking and giving and continue the pattern, that is the world, that is being human. I fear, however, that overconsumption and individualistic mindsets are producing a whole lot of takers. We need to remember that for sanctity, giving comes after taking or vice-versa. Those that only give are just as frustrating as those that only take. Most women are taught to be givers and they will ignore kindnesses presented to them. This needs to stop. As much as you are helping, you deserve to be helped.
If you believe you do not ask for anything and have absolutely no expectations of anyone, then you are ignorantly taking. I loosely keep track of reciprocation in friendships, this sounds incredulous, and it is. I thought I was abhorrent for doing this, but realised I wasn’t listening to my intuition. I don’t naturally listen to my intuition; I need to actively participate. I want to highlight; we all give and take, some far more than others. Intuition is a safety mechanism, for defensive play only. It’s also an indicator that you may actually have needs and that’s okay. In this part of my life, it’s necessary to understand that reciprocation is happening with a friend or lover. The past exposed that I never identified return in the giver/taker role. Multitudes of instances have shown me, that more than half the kindness I gave, was not given back to me. I also took from the wrong people and was given the wrong things. This can happen to deeply wounded people. Hurt people don’t know how to give, or, they give too much. This conversation is not about financial gestures, although, gift-giving is a form of communicating love. I do believe flowers and personal gifts can bring happiness and show a person they know you, they see you.
Everyone’s show of affection is wildly different. Some people are so nuanced and intricate you may not see, or, understand them. It’s your responsibility to communicate how you want to be loved. The way you give it, may not be how the other person shares it. I’m mostly writing this as a reminder for myself, I can forget this and be too harsh on others. I can also give people far too much leniency and grip at the minimum straws of affection. I firmly believe, I am a beautiful friend and deserve love back. I passionately love all the people in my life, It dwindles with disrespect and negligence. A central struggle is people sharing love, the way they want to be loved. It’s careless to assume. This inevitably damages the others perception of their connection. The ‘love’ part is taking the time to understand the other person. The energy you put into the observation. To give joy and have it be returned, as a continuous cycle. Success only happens when both are giving and receiving.
We also need to identify if people have the resources to give and take in certain periods. Being thoughtful is important. If someone is always ‘depleted’ in resources and can never give, this is a distinct signal for a discussion. Examining the film quote again, the sentiment “easy words” is what people get stuck on most of the time. Words are fleeting, glorious, but fleeting. Words have meaning, they can hold stead, words are very affirmative and reassuring but are only sincere when acted upon. Treatment is always the objective; it is what counts. Actions show who they are and how they care. It feels gross dissecting the way people show love, if they are doing enough. People are only human, leaving space for negativity, mistakes and growth is undisputably the sane thing to do. Having a no-bullshit tolerance is admirable but not quite fair, especially in our 20s. We are all growing at rapid rates, mistakes must be made to learn. I have made many mistakes and continue to do so. Cutting people off for lack of reciprocation is tricky. It’s a breakup. In my latter years, most departures have happened due to a lack of listening. I communicate a need, over and over, it is neglected or ignored. Many breakups, particularly with friends, have happened slowly, without communication.
As people, we place women at a higher degree of expectation. The patriarchal systems in place have influenced the western world’s view of women to such an extent, that feminine beings need to unlearn preconceived notions of our value. We have to present ourselves in certain ways and behave accordingly, to be respected and heard. It takes time to dismantle the microcosms of unfair biases we have for women. When it comes to taking and giving in heterosexual connections, the balance is completely skewed. It’s crucial to critique your differing expectations on female and male connections. This is generally, due to ‘needs’ being emotionally driven. Society has made the excuse that men are far more rationally minded than women. This then apparently pipelines to the classic female duo of women, equal, irrational and emotional. Men will be lazy and find the journey of understanding a woman’s needs as uncomfortable. Its ‘out of their depths’. It is the norm for men to “take” and then create barriers for your needs and wants, as they are unable/ do not want to discuss and dissect unknown or uncomfortable territories. I am seeing a new generation of feminists and people, pushing against these gendered stereotypes. We are no longer succumbing to the ‘bare minimum’ of give/take relationships. It’s brilliant to see a gender regain its value. The ‘if they wanted to, they would’ mentality is a great reminder, although, sometimes fiscally driven, which is both capitalistic and unreachable for most people’s salaries.
Weirdly, most of my friendship breakups have happened without communication. They’ve just left, leaving me to assume and create circulatory conversations, about things I could’ve done. I thought if my communication was strong and honest, I believed others would do the same. No. This goes back to my previous point; everyone is growing, mistakes will be made. It doesn’t subtract from the pain caused; abandonment is not fun. It is, however, explainable, people being callous with others’ emotions, most of the time it’s not malicious. I’m not sure of many things but, unnecessary pain will happen in your 20s, this I can be sure of. All this being said, I am currently still trying to rehabilitate from friendship breakups and learn how to navigate again.
There was a time when my female friendship group just left with no conversation. A bit of accusatory language and a few confrontations, but no conflict resolution. A close friend I’d known for a while, chose the side of a relatively new friend. This felt like extreme abandonment. I was incredibly wounded by the treatment and fancied myself betrayed for a long while after. I wallowed for too long. I should’ve seen this as a positive thing, the manipulative people leaving my life was a blessing. I let my emotions run their course. It took some time to understand I was still a good person, even though they’d left. I looked at the friendship from a bird’s eye view, trying to be unbiased. I figured out she was a narcissistic fucking bitch and was using me. I recognised that for most of the friendship, she didn’t get to know me, she didn’t even really listen to me, she just wanted someone to talk at. A warm body as such. When the time came and there was someone who could offer her more, she departed. Upon reflection, the pain comes from the love I had for her and the exuberant amounts of energy I put into the friendship. My intuition wasn’t listened to, I was unable to see her for who she was in the beginning. This young woman was supposed to be my best friend and gave me a Bromley tea set for my birthday. So many times, I’d said, Bromley was contrived, soulless art with no pertaining qualities. She gifted it to me unironically. Because of my mum, I believe in appreciation, even if its fake. I received the gift gracefully, but it was truly like a man gifting me something. You know how some men don’t even try to observe your nuances. Even if you’d shown, shared and stated something a million different times, the man gets it so so wrong. What truly sucks is that I love gift giving, I gave her so many personalised gifts, to which she gave me Bromley. Fucking Bromley. To be honest, I think she might’ve hated me.
Like all things in this world, being a perfectly balanced giver and taker is not something that happens. In a connection, someone may give or take more than the other person, at different times, especially in challenging periods. It’ll feel easy when reciprocation is there for most of the time. I.E. if you go through a hard time, I’ll be there and vice versa. Connections take effort. The plant analogy is so lame but so correct. If you plant a seed, you must water it, feed it and be attentive for it to grow and then, survive. Some plants need far more attention than others, be careful on connecting with a plant, that needs more than what you can give. Some people are cacti, they need not much water, and attention, but do not forget them, or else they’ll die. Some other plants need religious care, they must be drowned in water for growth. if you need constant care, that is perfectly fine and normal, making sure you don’t drown the people who care for you is key.
Currently, I've noticed that my resources feel drained and almost finished. I’m finally coming out of it now, but I was majorly irritable for months because of the depressive episode I was in. I’m now aware that I make friends with particularly emotionally needy people. People that may not have the self-awareness to understand this, but need a high level of attention. This is not necessarily bad at all, its what they need and I can, at times give it, but it can also, at times, become sour. I feel as though I have been the one to consistently water the seed. Devoting more effort and energy to connections. Trying to make people feel seen and heard, I believed it was my gift. It will be a gift again. But right now, It’s time to take a step back to see who wants to care for me. If it’s no one, I’m a bitch.
Amazing