Giving love: the magpie & the poo

but, who to?

ARTWORK: Drawing A Blank ART & THAT, Katie

Whilst cloud gazing, a magpie flew over my head, landed on the roof, paused for a second, looked down at me and then took a shit on my power box. Is that a metaphor? Apparently, magpies are a symbol of intelligence, wisdom and resourcefulness. But what does the shit mean?

Am I reflecting productively, making correct decisions, then, taking a massive, liquidly turd on them?

Sometimes I wish I had someone who could tell me what to do, all-day, every day. Yes I am quoting Fleabag again. I think of her often. I then remember when people tell me what to do, it’s mostly met with fuck off, sometimes politely. I wrangle my mind for the most resourceful, clear & tidy resolution for decisions that must be made. I mistrust that intuition and keep on going like nothing really matters. Which it does. Everything matters a great deal to me.

I’m being intentionally selfish at the moment. Apart from a lack of communication, I don’t know what that looks like on other people. Mine is doing what I want, when I want and suffering the consequences. Misusing my resources on most of the people I've met in my short life. Learning how and who to use them on has been challenging, as i’m sure it is for most people with. Its most likely a mixture of neurodivergence and trauma. It has been hard. Understanding friendship safety as someone who is adventurous and curious. It feels as though my love language is shown through deep care and understanding. My love language is being placed on hold, as I am unsure of who deserves deep care and love. How do we make those decisions? Who is worthy of what? What I do know is that respect & kindness should be given freely. When both of those behaviors are constantly diminished and devalued by actions, goodbyes are in order. I haven’t always left gracefully, because, when deserved, graffitiing a car or throwing a rock in a window can be cathartic.

I know I have decent observational skills and hyper-awareness. So, I don’t quite understand my lack of delineation between the makings of a good person and bad person. People are unfathomably complex and it’s difficult to tell evil. I don’t believe it’s as black and white as evil or pure. What is crossing the line? How much leeway do we give them? Is it when you believe that a friend ‘no longer serves you’. Should we really be basing connections off of what we can get from them? Is it a mixture of how nourished we feel, how much fun we have and how much support is shared? This is why I don’t judge based off first impressions, unless someone’s a massively huge cunt. I am, however, pretty skeptical of men at a first glance. Most men I've met in the last few years have probably found me incredibly abrasive on the first-time basis. It whittles out the weak. We don’t know what people’s days are like, so I don’t diminish their entirety to the first time. Imagine if we judged everything on firsts, then I’d never want to fuck again.

I judge, fairly “productively”, unless it’s for complete entertainment. Sometimes stirring the pot for stimulation is the only vibe at a function. This is probably a reason why I find the delineation difficult. What specific traits do you judge? I don’t really judge myself for mistakes made, I’d be full of self-loathing (which I have still, but in very small quantities). I’d rather judge myself first, then judge another human before. That’s how I work. I don’t think this formula has helped my safety over the years. I should have recognized I was a good person and trusted my judgments. What the fuck is off limits? Obviously full pelt aggression, extreme jealousy, sexual assault & thievery (you can for corporations). A big one now is deep insecurity. Being around those with a very loose sense of self is trying. My mother always reminded me of that and I never understood her until my ex best friend left me with no real rhyme or reason. I believe there is safety in numbers for most, not for me. Unless those people are the ones I have met this summer. I tend to go a bit insane in big groups. Overstimulated and obnoxious. From being alone for so long, I provided myself with entertainment in isolation and in groups, it manifests as brute neurodivergence.

I know I admire loyalty. When you don’t have to tell a friend of 1+ years your boundaries on multiple occasions. Giving leeway when they’re going through it or very busy and that’s also reciprocated for you. Memorizing core attributes. Trying not to forget their personal traumas. Listening. Seeing. I know there’s different levels of friendships. Close ones, party ones, male ones, long-term, fading out, lingering and toxic. Now, I very much try avoid friendships with people I don’t like. That sounds easy, but for a while I was ONLY friends with people I didn’t like or align with. I very much enjoy my own company and can lock myself in my room, or go to my favourite cafe, where my favourite barista works and sit there for hours by myself. As I am writing this, the friends I made this summer are sitting with me and they are kind, intelligent, thoughtful and fun. My face hurts from smiling and laughing. I also have a new best friend, which is a man and is very beautiful. He’s also my barista.

I hope you’re all having an amazing summer, we deserve it.